Lately, I’ve heard too many people expressing the need for better boundaries and stronger voices to call it a coincidence. Since we are not isolated from the systems in which we are embedded, this need seems linked to the emerging collective need to stand up to systemic oppression prompted by having had a perpetrator for a president.
Finding one’s voice and learning to say no can be empowering, but it can also feel daunting. If you grew up in a family where it was adaptive to stay mute and invisible, any sort of protest can signal to your inner mind the threat of losing a vital relationship. Similarly, if you are in a marginalized group, protesting those who hold the power can be risky. Your body-mind may try to protect you by freezing your voice. It’s not surprising that so many folks I’ve worked with experience blockage in the throat.
But flimsy boundaries can take a toll, especially amongst empaths and helpers. Many are caught in a “Compulsive Caregiving Pattern,” continually giving care to others without receiving care in return. Without adequate ways of replenishing their life energy, they are prone to feeling drained, lonely, and resentful.
It’s possible to shift to a new pattern of relating that best serves you. Interestingly, professor and author Brene Brown says that the most generous people are the most boundaried.
Doing trauma therapy can be very helpful in neutralizing the anxiety around setting limits. In addition, here are some tips for growing healthy boundaries in your life:
- Be Discerning: Assess which people and situations drain you and which ones nourish you. Pay particular attention to “energy vampires.” Assess what people and situations you can’t change and focus your energy on those you can. If there are people you are giving to who can’t utilize your gifts, or if you are giving to too many, see where you can make adjustments so you have adequate space and time to replenish. You may have more choices here than you think.
- Practice Psychic Protection: Imagine a Being or even a force field that has the ability to shield you from others’ toxic energy. This can help you become less absorbent. You can be more effective if you are not overwhelmed, if you can stay centered in yourself.
- Connect to something/someone bigger than you and the other. Resilient people have a belief in something greater than themselves. When we connect to someone or something bigger than oneself, we have a place to put our distress, and can receive a sense of soothing. We can also shift to a larger perspective. So, whether it’s connecting to the Universe, a supportive person in your life, or an imaginal being, like a Loving Figure, train your mind to send your distress to them and receive compassion in return.
Good boundaries are vital to the functioning of all relationships and systems. Saying no can be an act of self-love, but also an act of higher wisdom.