When I ask my clients what quality they most want to cultivate, most say they crave confidence. The dictionary defines confidence as “the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.” But how do you come to be confident when those you’ve relied upon failed to provide that foundation of trust?
As a psychologist specializing in the distress caused by these insecure attachments, I’m struck by the similarities between a Self-Compassionate stance and Secure Attachment. This has been validated by many studies. Like self-compassionate people, securely attached individuals see themselves as likeable, good-natured, and worthy of receiving love.
If that isn’t your self-perception now, the good news is that, as with self-compassion, secure attachment can be cultivated. A person can come to acknowledge the limited parenting they experienced while sustaining an awareness of their own essential goodness. This is a key component in waking up from that trance of unworthiness. People who can make this shift are called “earned-secure” people. Earned secure adults are able to describe painful memories in an accurate, coherent, and contained manner. They learn to care for themselves in a responsive way.
Psychotherapist and author Linda Graham says that when a parent is responsive, they are
…available, present, emotionally attuned, empathically resonant, contingently reflective of the baby’s inner reality, reciprocally communicating in tones, gestures, facial expressions as well as words, able to regulate the baby’s affects, soothe the baby’s distress and amplify the baby’s joy, providing relational-emotional experiences that are “good enough” enough of the time…
We can learn to approach whatever arises within us with curiosity and kindness. Learning to care for ourselves in this way is the ultimate security.
According to Self-Compassion Trainer Paul Gilbert, the same care-seeking and caregiving aspects of our mind that are activated when relating to others (such as a crying child and a comforting mother), can be activated when relating to the self. So we can heal by tapping into our distress and need for care, as well as our capacity to offer that compassionate care.
A fascinating study underscores this phenomenon. In this study, participants created a virtual reality personalized avatar, then guided the avatar to compassionately comfort a distressed child. They were then guided to re-experience the scene from the perspective of the child who’d been comforted. One month after the study, participants were significantly less self-critical and more self-compassionate!
When we learn to relate to ourselves with self-compassion, we grow a “safe haven” inside. Rather than fear our own self-judgment when we are distressed, which perpetuates stress, we can come to trust in our capacity to comfort ourselves. We move further toward that “Earned Secure” attachment status. Interestingly, psychologist David Wallin says that the ultimate secure attachment is between you and your Higher Self. When you develop this kind of emotional safety inside, otherwise known as a “secure base”, you become freer to express yourself and to explore the world… As my clients recover, they often become more creative and innovative in their work and life.
What would it feel like to show up more fully in your life and let your light shine?
Secure attachment is a critical buffer against suffering. According to neuropsychology expert Dr. Allan Shore, “The security of the attachment bond is the primary defense against psychopathology.” True confidence is knowing you are lovable no matter what, and that you can respond to yourself with compassion and without judgment, no matter what.