In this time of global suffering, Empaths and Helpers are in a sacred role to help heal the planet. Sadly, the capacity to attune to and care for others, including the earth, is not a given. It may be because we have hyper responsive mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are brain cells that react the same when actions are merely observed as when they are actually performed. They are the physiological basis of empathy.
While a high level of empathy is a gift, it can also be a struggle.
If you are like the majority of the highly sensitive people I’ve treated, you may suffer from an energetic imbalance. Do you tend to feel like you give more or better support than you receive from others? Or that you are bogged down by negative or toxic energy that isn’t yours? This may be because Empathic people can sense “subtle” or “vital” energy and tend to absorb this energy from other people and environments into their bodies.
We need to be energetically balanced to do our work in a way that serves both others and ourselves.
Usually, this imbalance extends back to early caregiving experiences.
Many of us learned suboptimal patterns of relating. We learned to be vigilant in attuning and attending to the other while disconnecting from our own wants and needs. This strategy may have been adaptive in relationships with caregivers who were limited in their capacity to nurture us. But there has been a great cost–We have never become skilled in responding to ourselves with compassion. We have become disconnected from our own hearts.
In fact, if you are like the numerous empaths I’ve treated, you are very self-critical. This has only amplified the distress you’ve experienced. Self-judgment is at the core of our suffering, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When we judge ourselves as deficient, we limit our love for ourselves. In this way, we feel the pain of feeling othered.
But the Inner Critic isn’t just a sadistic bully; It is actually trying to sustain your connection with others. It believes that if it is vigilant in pointing out your flaws, you will be better and thus more loved. This part of you may also believe that if you express certain emotions like fear, sadness, or hurt, you will be rejected.
Of course, these beliefs don’t optimally serve. Core beliefs about our unworthiness keep us in a state of stress. The sort of stress generated by the Inner Critic is particularly toxic– shame. Shame researcher Brene Brown defines shame as “the fear of disconnection, an intensely painful feeling of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Shame is so disregulating because it perpetuates feelings of separation and isolation. To our inner mind, this signifies exile from the tribe and possible death.
Shame and self judgment can take a huge toll on our physiology, as well. We now know that harsh self-criticism activates the threat part of our nervous system, the sympathetic nervous system, and elevates stress hormones. It detracts from our immune response. It lowers our Heart Rate Variability, (the variation in time intervals between each heartbeat), a vital measure of our wellbeing. It propels us into a state of Incoherence, decreasing the order and harmony among the systems in the body like the heart and respiratory system.
Mind-Body expert Dr. Joan Borysenko says:
When our heart closes in fear–and our biggest human fear is of abandonment, that somebody won’t love us–it decreases that flow of life-force energy. It doesn’t get to the cells and tissues in the same way, and we literally starve, because we’ve cut ourselves off from that larger life force…anything that takes you out of the sense of connection stresses you.
In fact, researchers have identified shame and chronic loneliness as the greatest risk to longevity. In fact, loneliness has even been associated with a 26 percent increase in the risk of premature death. It is also a major factor in suicide. According to functional medicine Dr. Jill Carnahan, loneliness has been linked to:
- Chronic inflammation
- Immune system dysfunction
- Cancer
- Cardiovascular disease
- Elevated blood pressure
- Increased cortisol levels
- Pain
- Fatigue
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Increased reactivity to stress
- Dementia
Interestingly, the same part of our nervous system registers the fear of social exclusion as it registers physical pain. That means that our brains are wired to respond to the threat of isolation in the same way as to life-threatening injury. But the long-term effects of emotional pain have been found to be greater than those from physical pain.
When we are in a state of incoherence or imbalance, we are less buffered from suffering in the world. We can become overwhelmed by this suffering and experience “empathic distress.” Empaths are particularly susceptible to this form of suffering, and it can harken burnout.
What stops the pain of feeling deficient? What can we do to overcome the illusion of separation? What can awaken us from the trance of unworthiness?
If you’ve been reading my posts, you’ve probably guessed it. The answer lies in Self-compassion. In the work I do with clients and participants in The Connected Heart Program, folks become more aware of the feelings and sensations of distress in their bodies, and how to provide themselves ways of soothing that distress. If we can stay responsive to our own distress while responding to others, we can stay more regulated.
Again, the surest way to respond to your distress is through providing your brain with experiences of compassionate connection. When you do this, you move into a more coherent state. In this state, your heart, mind and emotions are in balance, and you feel more positive feelings. Research suggests that people who are in a coherent state are actually more able to register the electromagnetic signals and information patterns in the heart fields of others and less likely to be negatively impacted by that energy. So coherence leads to resilience. It makes sense, then, that self-compassion has been found to reduce empathic distress.
Interestingly, people who become more self-compassionate have been found to engage more in compassionate action in the world. So the best thing you can do to empower the collective heart field is to become more wholehearted yourself. Buddhist nun Pema Chodron reminds us, “The root of Buddhism is compassion, and the root of compassion is compassion for oneself.”